DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s close relative died. We found out by chance because an announcement appeared on our social media feeds. We did not receive a private message, a text or a phone call. We don’t use social media very often; if we hadn’t seen the announcement, we wouldn’t have known.
My husband’s relative loved him very much, and I thought it was insensitive for the family not to notify him personally. After the wake, which was also online, I messaged them privately and said so.
They responded that I was rude and selfish. They said that they, the (more) bereaved party who organized the funeral and wake, were entitled to manage it in a way that made their grief easier to bear. Then they blocked me on social media, which is fine with me.
It’s my feeling that when someone dies, there is no “easy.” There’s only politeness, and the polite thing to do is to inform people personally that someone they care about has died. That shows consideration for those who will mourn the loss of the deceased, and gives them a chance to show respect and support for the bereaved.
Social media announcements that close relatives may see by chance are not polite, in my view. I’ll concede that I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, especially since they’re my in-laws, but isn’t it fundamentally rude not to inform family members directly (by email, text or phone) that someone has died?
GENTLE READER: One is likely to stumble when claiming the moral high ground too soon after committing the almost unpardonably rude act of scolding the chief mourners for their handling of the death announcements.
But yes, a personal call would have been preferable -- which Miss Manners would certainly not have said about a text, and likely not about an email.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
COPYRIGHT 2023 JUDITH MARTIN
DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION
1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106; 816-581-7500
Stories by Miss Manners
- Miss Manners: Handling well-meaning snack offers when you have dietary restrictions
- Miss Manners: How to handle a guest’s unexpected use of hand towels
- Miss Manners: Handling requests from former homeowners for photos and visits
- Miss Manners: How to handle empty platters and persistent guests
- Miss Manners: Tactful ways to address laundry habits with your sister