Asking Eric: How to scale back monthly lunches without hurting feelings

Dear Eric: Twenty-six years ago, I became friends with another woman at the company where I used to work. We’re retired now.

The odds of us becoming friends seemed remote, since we seem to be opposites in personality, but our friendship has endured.

In all these years, we would get together for lunch at random times. In the fall of 2022, I suggested we lunch monthly on a regularly scheduled basis. I was feeling lonely during the pandemic and thought this was a good idea.

After nearly two years of this monthly schedule, I’m realizing it doesn’t feel right. There are aspects of her personality that I find off-putting. For instance, she can be imperious and rude with restaurant staff.

I want to keep our friendship, I just don’t want to see her every month. I want to go back to our random lunches (which were maybe five to six times a year). How can I tell her that I want to stop the monthly schedule and go back to “occasionally” lunching with her without hurting her feelings?

– Break Time

Dear Break Time: Some friendships are like an overly sweet dessert: a little goes a long way.

You’re right that telling her you don’t want to see her as much will likely hurt her feelings. There’s no good way of saying “you’re better in small doses.”

So, blame the calendar. Ask her if you can go back to sporadic lunches because it’s hard to hold a regular date.

You may not be able to go back to fully sporadic lunches, but, if she presses, try scheduling every other month and see how it suits you.

The parts of her personality that grate may still bother you, though, and you should say something about it. Servers aren’t servants, for instance. People can become petty tyrants when their stomachs are growling. But no one ever perished from having to wait a few minutes for a side of ketchup for their fries.

The next time her imperious streak shows up, kindly but firmly call it out. Tell her that it’s something that bothers you and that you wish she’d make a more empathetic choice. It’s what a friend would do.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.