Asking Eric: Can you help a child without encouraging bad behavior?

Dear Eric: My adult nephew and his girlfriend recently had a child. They are both in their mid-30s and neither has gainful employment. My nephew has also struggled with mental health issues. His mother passed away several years ago, so his remaining family system consists of grandparents, aunts and uncles.

I am trying to reconcile my feelings of not “punishing” the baby while not “encouraging” the parents’ current pattern of behavior. To this end, I established a 529 college account and will be happy to pay for supplemental experiences for the child, such as camp, classes.

One part of the family says we need to help the baby now, not years from now. How do I get over my anger and frustration at the new parents not demonstrating either basic parenting skills or basic adult behavior?

– Raising a Baby and a Nephew

Dear Raising: Decide if you’re more interested in giving a gift or a lesson. What you’ve offered is generous, but a 529 account can seem like a cold comfort when one is struggling to buy formula or diapers. Ask yourself if helping the family now really “encourages” behavior you don’t agree with or if it is simply standing in the gap for a relative in need.

I’m curious what your relationship with your nephew is like outside of your financial support. Can you offer guidance or advice? What does the rest of the family’s support look like?

Maybe you’re all doing everything you can, to no avail. But attaching strings to your money is just going to cause you more frustration.

Start by accepting that this is where your nephew is right now and recognize that life has dealt him a challenging hand that he’s not playing very well. This may not motivate you to spend more cash up front and that’s fine. But separating your feelings about his actions from the needs of the baby will help everyone.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.