Asking Eric: Balancing truth and relationships in inheritance decisions

Dear Eric: When my husband’s parents died, he and his brother, Jim, each inherited several million dollars. Jim’s daughter, Carol, has always spent more than her income because she expected a big inheritance. When Carol was bequeathed just $10,000 by her grandparents, she was angry but didn’t change her spending habits.

Five years later, Jim unexpectedly died. Jim had told Carol that she would receive his share of the family money but when his will was read, we learned that he had spent most of his inheritance. Again, Carol got very little cash.

Now Carol wants my husband to give her the “family” money as a monthly stipend and to leave most of it to her when he dies. My husband plans to leave Carol a modest amount of money with the bulk of it going to me with the understanding that when I die the money will go to our charities.

Carol has a career that pays well. She is years away from retirement and could get herself out of debt if she chose to do so. She’s not lazy but she really loves the trappings of wealth, having believed since childhood that she will eventually inherit millions of dollars.

As my husband’s last living blood relative, he would like to maintain a cordial relationship with her. He’s afraid telling her the truth will end any possibility of that happening.

– Inherited Obligation

Dear Inherited: If Carol is willing to sever their relationship over money, I wonder how much cordiality there is to preserve.

Frankly, I feel for her a bit. She was raised with an expectation that her father didn’t deliver on. Carol was promised millions from Jim but her only inheritance was his unhealthy relationship with money.

That’s not your husband’s responsibility to clean up, though.

Your husband should have the honest, possibly hard conversation with her now. He may want to avoid conflict but think of it this way: Carol still has an opportunity to adjust her spending and ensure a financial future that’s not dependent on a windfall.

But if she doesn’t find out about his plans until leaving the reading of his will, it will only reinforce the upside-down narrative she’s been believing her whole life. And should your husband predecease you, it puts you in a terribly awkward spot. Carol may not like the truth, but she can’t afford not to hear it.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.