Asking Eric: A grandparent’s struggle to mend a fractured relationship

Dear Eric: I am the grandparent of a now 24-year-old grandchild. Starting in high school and continuing through college he was not fully engaged – he did not turn in homework, missed classes. In steps “helicopter grandma” (a high school counselor and former teacher) who is unable to accept this.

What followed is eight long years of torment on both sides.

He did (with my nagging) graduate from high school and college. During the two years after he graduated, we had several talks about my behavior, and I apologized several times for being so controlling. He seemed to accept my apology and even seemed somewhat grateful.

All of a sudden, nine months ago he “ghosted” me and his grandfather (who is completely innocent). I contacted him several times asking him to at least tell me why he decided to remove us from his life and have never heard back from him.

I continue to send the occasional chatty text messages like nothing is wrong but do not get a response. My husband tells me his silence is all the answer I need and to let it go. I just wish he would tell me directly why he has eliminated us from his life and maybe give us a chance to reconcile.

– Hopeful Grandma

Dear Grandma: Eight years of “torment”, even with your good intentions, is a lot to put aside. As your grandchild has come into his own as an adult, he’s probably started to view your relationship differently. Maybe that’s fair, maybe it’s not – right now it’s not useful to debate the efficacy of “helicoptering”.

While you apologized, it’s likely that every time you send a chatty text like nothing is wrong, he hears the helicopter blades approaching because something is wrong for him.

Give him space for now. Estrangement is rarely truly out of the blue. Maybe he doesn’t feel emotionally capable of setting a healthy boundary with you right now. Maybe he’s got pain that he can’t communicate but also can’t forgive. It’s maddening not to know. You don’t have to let it go, but let it be what it is for now.

Stop the texts. If you have his address, you may consider sending a letter with no requests in it. Try “I know you’re hurting and I’m sorry. I am going to respect the boundary that you’ve set. If anything changes for you, I’ll be here.”

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.